Case Study #237: Teenage Ethical Dilemmas (A Science Fiction Comedy Short Story)

Original image of heart nebula by Adam Evans via Flickr, Creative Commons license

Case Study #237: Teenage Ethical Dilemmas

Note: The following is a factual first person account. The subject was a native human earthling, female, fifteen years of age.

My web implants tell me the party game has been around for centuries, but I don’t really believe it. There’s no way that “I Have Never” could have existed back in the 20th century. Seriously, in the 20th century people burned dinosaurs for energy and killed each other over minor territorial disputes. Cryonics is a much more civilized form of warfare. You freeze your enemies, you don’t have to deal with them during your lifetime, yet they can still live a perfectly normal life at some point in the future.

Can we get back to the question?

Oh, sorry. Anyways, “I Have Never” goes like this. Everyone sits in a circle and puts out five fingers. You go around the circle and each person says something like, “I have never been skinny dipping.” Have you ever been skinny dipping?

I can’t disclose personal information.

Well, if you haven’t been skinny dipping, then you’d put one of your fingers down. If you’re lucky enough to have actually been skinny dipping, then you get to keep your finger up.

We were partway through the game, and I’d already lost three fingers. Apparently I haven’t done anything interesting. I only had two fingers up, and I really needed to keep them, because we had agreed that whoever ran out of fingers first would have to film themselves doing the Pandeskian Dance and post it to the webs. That could not be me–if I had to do the dance, it would forever ruin any career prospects. Not to mention that I would be the laughingstock of everyone on this side of Jupiter for weeks.

So what was the statement?

It was Drik’s turn, and he said, “I have never kissed an alien.” He said that kissing your pet Aoiue couldn’t count, since everyone has done that. After some debate we defined an alien as a Class A being whose race originated from another planet than your own race.

It was easy to see why Drik had chosen that statement. Even though he has spent his whole life on Earth, he is Flkrunian, so of course he has kissed a human, and thus an alien race. Flkrunians aren’t that different than humans, except they can hold their breath underwater for ages, and they have a sixth sense–an electrical organ that can generate mild electric shocks and sense electric currents.

Anyways, a lot of people were going to lose a finger. Most of us had never been out of the solar system, and Earth isn’t a huge destination for Class A aliens. But before we started going around the circle, my best friend Madji waltzed over and gave Drik a long kiss. Everyone laughed, but Drik looked rather pleased. The rules were revised. There would be no more kissing during the game, though Madji’s kiss counted.

Soon enough it was my turn. I told them I’d kissed an alien.

“No you haven’t,” Madji said. I think she secretly wanted me to do the Pandeskian Dance.

“Yes, I have,” I said. I told them it was on a family vacation to Mars. That I ran into a Preth, that we got talking, snuck into a nightclub, and started kissing.

Everyone was shocked. But kissing a Preth is not illegal. In health class we had to memorize a list of alien races that it is illegal to mate with, because they’re too different from humans, and Preths are not on the list. Mating with a Preth creates viable offspring. I looked it up. I don’t understand why it’s frowned on. It’s not their fault that Preths were voted the ugliest beings in the universe. And if your eyes are closed, you almost can’t tell.

Everyone questioned me about the kiss.

“It was quite intense,” I said. “He had purple tongues, and they were kind of pokey.”

“I don’t believe you,” said Drik.

“You can test me,” I said.

An A.I. hovered in front of my face, analyzing my body for signs of fact and fiction. I repeated the tale of my kiss, visualizing the events in my mind.

“Her story is true,” said the A.I.

No one questioned the A.I. I got to keep my finger up, and we moved on to the next person.

Afterwards, Madji told me that I looked embarrassed. But I was not embarrassed about kissing a Preth.

Then why were you embarrassed?

Well, when we were on Mars, I went off by myself. I accidentally wandered into one of those rogue virtual reality storms. But I didn’t notice any of the signs, so I thought I was just in a hip neighborhood in Marsia.

It turns out the Preth was just a simulation, a projection. And so was the nightclub. The storm collapsed right after the kiss, and I realized that none of it had been real. But the projection was so perfect that during the kiss I had no idea. What makes it worse is that it was my first kiss. But even though the Preth was an illusion, I think kissing him should still count.

I can see why you were embarrassed. Do you mind if I share your story with colleagues? I find it quite…enlightening.

That’s just fine, as long as you answer one personal question. Have you ever kissed an alien?